It Isn't Always About You

I can stop analyzing, assuming and making up stories about other people now. I can save all that energy for me and not waste it on things that probably aren’t even true.  My coach shared the secret that helped create all this space and energy for me with something she told me recently.

When we are on the receiving end of other people’s reactions we naturally assume it is all about us. Think about it, you run into an associate at Wal-Mart and they seem abrupt or even try to avoid you. We immediately start to assume, analyze and even make up stories about why this person snubbed us. We think maybe we did something to offend or anger them. We start wondering what we have said about this person and to whom that it could have gotten back to them. We worry and fret about it and wonder what to do about it. In other words, we make it about ourselves. Almost 90% of the time it is never about us. Shocking isn’t it, to think something has nothing to do with us? Honestly though, how people react to us almost 90% of the time doesn’t involve us at all.

Many, many years ago, I worked for a bank. There was a girl in her late 20’s that never cracked a smile at anyone. She had very short hair, boyish really, but wore impeccable, beautiful clothes. Some of the employees at the bank dubbed her the nickname “Chuckles”.  The employees made fun of her for being so miserable and unfriendly whenever we had to deal with her. We thought she thought she was too good for us. Her aloofness came across as snobby and too good for the rest of us.

One day a co-worker approached me and said, “Do you know what’s wrong with Gail?” “Yeah, she’s miserable”, I replied. My co-worker told me she just found out that Gail has an inoperable brain tumor. That she once had beautiful long blonde hair and was engaged to be married to a VP in the bank. Then she had a Grand Mal seizure in front of all of her colleagues and found out she had a brain tumor. He fiancé was so upset that every time he looked at her he broke down. She couldn’t handle comforting him so she broke it off with him, to his relief. She had the tumor operated on, had chemotherapy which made her once gorgeous hair fall out and she fell in love again with a wonderful man. Until the tumor came back and the doctors told her there was nothing else they could do for her. Her fiancé wanted desperately to still marry her, but she said no. Gail died at 28 years old. Her bitterness and anger at the world had nothing to do with us, but we assumed it did.

We never know what other people are dealing with, going through or struggling with. When people don’t treat us as we feel we deserve to be treated, remember it is almost never about us. Your boss may snap at you for something, but perhaps he just found out his Mom has Alzheimers. Maybe you ran into someone you know at the store and they pretended not to see you. Instead of thinking they really don’t like you and don’t want to even say hello, maybe they haven’t showered and feel embarrassed to be caught not looking their best. I always tell my clients not to assume or presume what people are thinking. We don’t know and it probably is not even related to us. Don’t you find most of the time you made a guess it was wrong anyway? Why waste the time and energy!

I started practicing this about 2 years ago and I can’t tell you the energy it has given me and the needless worry it has alleviated. If my boss seems aloof, instead of thinking I must have screwed up something big and she’s just waiting to call me in her office, I let it go that I have no idea what is happening with her and won’t even think about it unless she tells me I did something.

Coach’s challenge: the next time someone reacts to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, try and tell yourself it has nothing to do with you and you will let the anxiety and worry go until someone tells you differently.